Review: Need

Zara White’s just moved into wintry Maine territory, a far cry from sunny Charleston. She’s been sent to live with her grandmother after the death of her stepfather, and finds herself struggling to adjust to the slew of new faces, and the unsettling feeling of being watched…

It’s not a bad first effort on Jones’s part – Need holds readers in veritable suspense for the first half of the book, which is more fluff than fantasy. While some obvious references are dropped here and there, the protagonist only discovers that the guy she’s got the hots for (Nick Colt) is a shapeshifting werewolf midway into the book. And it’s not just him, either. Her grandmother’s a weretiger. One of her newly acquired buds is a were-eagle. The school administrator is a werebear. And if things couldn’t get any weirder, Zara discovers that pixies aren’t all like what she’d imagined.

I’m kind of undecided to this point on the kind of audience Jones was shooting for – early into the story, I was under the impression that it was targeted to teens (tweens, even), given the high school setting and the varying degrees of “youthful innocence” her characters harbored. Come on. “Crap” isn’t even a halfway decent swear word, yeah? Additionally, the Romeo to Zara’s Juliet was too… virginal. Not all of the characters were bad, though Jones could have veered away from the trap of creating characters that fell into overly defined stereotypes: the typical bad boy (Nick), supportive best friend (Issie), creepy love rival (Ian), queen bitch (Megan)… The list goes on.

The story’s pace does pick up some after Zara finally finds out about the supernatural, the disturbing truth about pixies (and the lengths they go to feed), and the identity of her real father. Throw in kidnappings, multiple snowstorms, and a short (if action-packed) rescue mission, and you have Need.  Fluffy at the start, with a darker twist wrapping up the story.

Recommended to those craving a quick urban fantasy fix. It’s no literary gem, but a passable read.

Plot/originality: 3/5

Characters: 2.5/5

Writing style: 2.5/5

Total score: 8/15

Review: Kisses from Hell (anthology)

Sunshine by Richelle Mead (10/15)

Those who have picked up Mead’s Vampire Academy series will be familiar with the setting and characters of Sunshine – in a world inhabited by Moroi (full-blooded vampires), Strigoi (vampires gone evil) and Dhampirs (half-blooded vampires serving as guardians to the Moroi), trouble strikes a cruise boat when a Strigoi attack sends a boat of vacationing Moroi into a frenzy of chaos.

Eric Dragomir finds himself questioning his future as the sole heir of the royal Dragomir line, and running into Rhea Daniels turns out to be the best part of his vacation. Things aren’t exactly boding well for him, though. He doesn’t make the best first impression, and he already has a girlfriend. She’s engaged to someone else. And there’s a crazy feeder lusting after his newfound romantic interest…

Mead’s writing style is engaging, with interactions between characters coming to life in this refreshing short piece. The concept of Eric and Rhea ditching their significant others in a heartbeat to run off into the sunset was stretching it a bit thin (you can’t help but feel bad for Stephen, Rhea’s fiancé). But hey, that’s paranormal romance for you. Recommended to fans of Mead’s work.

Bring me to Life by Alyson Noël (13/15)

Alyson Noël, author of The Immortals series of books, spins a chilling tale centering around budding young artist Danika Kavanaugh, a seventeen year old with a rebellious streak a mile wide. She finds herself flying to the UK as one of the winners to a prestigious art contest, which is a welcome reprieve from the stresses of home. The manor she’s staying in, the servants that appear to become more and more youthful every time she sees them, the strange, vivid dreams, her strange attachment to the place – unsettling, to say the least. And to top it all off, there’s an attractive, mysterious guy on the scene…

Bring me to Life is a brilliantly written story, with a plot twist that you definitely won’t see coming. Dark and chilling to the core, with the appropriate doses of mystery and romance to match. An excellent read!

Above by Kristin Cast (6/15)

I…

I didn’t know quite what to make of Above. I dove into the story expecting something in the lines of the House of Night series (which Cast co-wrote with her mother, P.C. Cast). What I got, however, wasn’t even close.

Above centers around Rheena, a girl trapped “Below” with her parents. When she unexpectedly gains access to “Above”, she finds herself assaulted with the sum of her greatest fears. But all is not lost – a handsome stranger by the name of Sol finds her and falls in love with her. But then she’s found once again by her pursuers, and Sol exacts his revenge…

Got all that? Yeah, I didn’t either. Cast writes the entirety of Above in something closely resembling poetic verse. I say “closely” because the formatting of the story was all over the place. Messy and confuzzling, Above is a real head-scratcher.

Hunting Kat by Kelley Armstrong (8/15)

Katiana (Kat) is a genetically engineered vampire, the product of years of experimentation by the Edison Group. Her vampirism kicked in 6 months ago, but to her chagrin, Kat has yet to feed on a real human. Her wish for more freedom from her strict vampire guardian, Marguerite, unexpectedly comes true in the worst of ways – Kat winds up in a car crash and gets recaptured by lackeys of the Edison Group.

Trapped in a van with two other captives, Chad and Neil, the three formulate a plan to escape. When Kat starts thirsting for their blood, though, things get a little messy…

I didn’t enjoy Hunting Kat as much as I did the other stories (Above excluded). The plot mostly fell flat, with the action sequences stilted and unremarkable. One of the weaker stories of this anthology.

Lilith by Francesca Lia Block (9.5/15)

Lilith stands out from mainstream paranormal fiction in that it’s told largely from a male point of view. Paul Michael lives a painful, teenaged existence. The bullying at his high school has forced to to escape into an imaginary fantasy world of his own, a planet where he isn’t maladjusted or mocked relentlessly for how he looks.

All that changes when the new goth student, Lilith, turns up at his school. He’s instantly drawn to her, and the fact that she’s a vampire doesn’t even faze him. A series of blood-exchanging rituals sends him off-kilter – he’s stronger, thinner, he doesn’t smell quite as bad – but he can’t quite put a finger on what Lilith’s motives are…

Lilith certainly tells it from an unexpected source – it’s hard not to feel sympathy for Paul Michael and his trauma from the bullying. The story ends abruptly, leaves the reader hanging with a certain sense of dissatisfaction. If you’re the sort that gets bothered by depressing endings, this one isn’t for you.

Review: Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief

To put it plainly: I love The Olympians series. Rick Riordan manages to spin a vibrant and captivating story told from the eyes of 12 year old Perseus (Percy) Jackson, a boy who suddenly finds himself dragged from the relative safety of his snobbish boarding school into a world he had never before imagined – Camp Half-Blood. As it turns out, Percy is no ordinary boy. He’s part of a morbid prophecy foretelling the doom of the realm of the Greek gods. When his godly heritage is revealed, things take a turn for the worse when he gets accused of stealing Zeus’s  lightning bolt.

Together with his newly acquired friends Annabeth (mandatory potential love interest) and Grover (mandatory comic relief), Percy goes on his very first demigod quest to retrieve his missing mother and clear his name. Riordan’s writing is quick and snappy, painting a lively, entertaining vision of ancient Greek mythology colliding with the modern world. Two thumbs up!

(If you’ve watched the completely bastardized film adaptation of this book, well… at least Grover was funny. Percy was a complete Zac Efron clone and Annabeth was a complete disaster. The plus side: James Bond is a centaur!)

See also: Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters, Percy Jackson and the Titan’s Curse, Percy Jackson and the Battle of the Labyrinth, Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian, The Demigod Files, Demigods and Monsters

Plot/originality: 4.5/5

Characters: 4.5/5

Writing style: 4.5/5

Total score: 13.5/15

Review: hush, hush

I’ll admit, I’m guilty of buying books sometimes because I’m drawn in by their pretty, shiny covers. hush, hush is one of those books – if the cover was any shinier, it’d be a dead ringer for a newly waxed BMW.

After digging into the first few chapters of hush, hush, I felt the stress start to set in. Granted, it’s not bad for a first foray into young adult fiction on Becca Fitzpatrick’s part , but I couldn’t help drawing parallels between hush, hush and… well, almost EVERY other book with a high school setting (a certain Twilight series springs to mind). Picture this: seemingly average, out-of-the-popular-loop girl with her quirky best friend and the sudden appearance of a dark, mysterious guy with an unfathomable past. Sounds familiar? If so, you’re in for a lot of déjà vu. This book throws together a lot of well-worn clichés that run endlessly from one to the next.

The story revolves around Nora Grey, the typical “normal” girl in high school with problems of her own – the foremost being Patch Cipriano, the typical bad boy rebel that she has to sit next to in class. Drama, drama. Nora finds herself inexplicably drawn to Patch and his emo-loner fueled, passive aggressive flirty ways as she tries to figure him out. As it turns out, Patch is a fallen angel who initially intended to use Nora as a means to become human, but changed his mind when he gradually began to fall in love with her. Wow, true love? In less than a week? Omigod!!1one

Not to say that the plot is entirely unoriginal. Fitzpatrick’s concept of angels and their different ranks (guardian angels, archangels) had its interesting parts. The actual story itself, however, was quite possibly the most boring thing I had to sit/lie through. Fitzpatrick throws in a slew of romance clichés, which include the main character being forced to share a dingy motel room with her hot crush due to a thunderstorm, or the main character’s best friend getting into trouble with the already suspicious antagonist guy with Mary Sue Nora Grey coming to her rescue – the tiresome list goes on. Oh, and there’s a rather pathetic sort of love triangle involving Nora, Patch, and Elliot, the nice, amiable transfer kid who later turns out to be the evil dude’s lackey.

While Fitzpatrick attempts to inject life and likability into her characters, most of them fall flat. Vee Sky (Nora’s plus-sized best friend) is as annoying as she is predictable, and Patch, despite being the male lead, exudes a revolting brand of sexuality, with his tight jeans and self-inflicted angst and whatnot. Elliot, the one person who seemed remotely worth rooting for, turned out to be a raging, abusive alcoholic.

… Don’t get me started on Nora.

A visit to Fitzpatrick’s site has revealed a SEQUEL to be released in 2010. That’s right, more terribly written scenes of sexual tension between Nora and the ever-lovable (sic) Patch. I’m just… overwhelmed with anticipation.

If you’re trying to get your high school/paranormal fiction fix, I highly suggest you get it somewhere else. hush, hush somehow sucks and blows simultaneously, a feat I had otherwise thought impossible before I laid hands on this book. I was initially half-inclined to add the ‘parody’ tag to this review and laugh it off as an excellent spoof of young adult paranormal fiction, before further poking around Fitzpatrick’s site suggested that she was actually being serious.

For now, ‘crap’ will have to do.

See also: Crescendo

Plot/originality: 2/5

Characters: 1.5/5

Writing style: 2/5

Total score: 5.5/15

Review: Generation Dead

I have to admit, I thought this was going to be one of those run-of-the-mill “goth girl romance” books – so it was a pleasant surprise when it turned out to be anything but.

Daniel Waters spins a thought-provoking story with Generation Dead. The plot’s well formed and he manages to establish a realistic look to how the world would be if the undead walked amongst us. It’s not the typical zombie-slasher story, though – the zombies (termed as the “living undead” or “differently biotic”) in this one are teenagers rising from their graves, a phenomenon that has scientists stumped. These living undead go to school and lead pseudo-normal lives, though with some drawbacks. They experience impaired motor function and as a result, have jerky, uncoordinated movements coupled with halting speech.

Not every zombie teen’s got it bad, though. Tommy Williams is the first of the living undead that makes it onto the high school football team, much to the horror of the football players. As far as the undead go, he’s as close to being human as he’ll get. He’s a activist for his kind, running a politcal blog of sorts running entries on what it’s like being differently biotic.

Phoebe Keller finds herself drawn to Tommy, despite the stigma that comes with it. Tommy takes her out on a series of dates and into his circle of zombie mates, much to the displeasure of Adam Layman, the last piece of the love triangle. Adam’s on the football team, too, and tries to dissuade Phoebe from associating with Tommy and the gang (sounds like a doo-wop group, eh?). It’s a horrifying twist of fate when Adam gets killed trying to protect Phoebe from zombie-haters at the prom, and he – wait for it – wakes up as a zombie. Ouch.

If you’re looking for something out of the ordinary to read in the urban fantasy genre, this is the book for you. Daniel Waters demonstrates his ability to weave a believable high school story with supernatural elements and a dash of romance added to the mix.

See also: Kiss of Life

Plot/originality: 4/5

Characters: 4/5

Writing style: 3.5/5

Total score: 12.5/15

Review: Once Dead, Twice Shy

Once Dead, Twice Shy is a continuation of Madison Avery’s story from the the novella “Madison Avery and the Dim Reaper” from the Prom Nights from Hell anthology. Kim Harrison spins a unique, compelling story about death reapers – about time we got some new material, considering how we’re being buried in piles and piles of crap-tastic vampire fiction. (What have you done, Stephenie?)

You don’t have to read “Madison Avery and the Dim Reaper” to read Once Dead, Twice Shy, though it will make some of the characters a tad more familiar. Madison Avery finds herself under the tutelage of light reaper Barnabas, a fallen angel of the light sent to remain by her side in training her skills as a newfound reaper. The problem, though? Madison’s dead – a soul without a body, existing without the need for food or sleep. The only thing keeping her tangible is a dark amulet which she wrested from evil pirate!reaper Kairos/Seth, who’s on the warpath for his amulet back.

Madison must fend off attacks from the black wings and Kairos while protecting Josh, who seems to have a target sign tattooed onto his back. Through the fast-paced action, Harrison manages to blend in some Madison/Josh romance (which I definitely did not see coming – I kind of expected some Madison/Barnabas, boo). Madison is a misfit at her high school and acts as such, though not in a stab-your-eyes-out-annoying kind of way. The characters were quirky, with some new additions to the story adding to the zest of things. I especially loved Grace, Madison’s spunky guardian angel (Guardian, Reaper-Augmented Cherub, Extinction Security, or G.R.A.C.E.S. Harrison is an acronym genius!) and Nakita, who turns out to have quite the personality.

Plot twists galore near the end, which was a pleasant surprise. Ron, Madison’s higher-in-command, turns out to have an agenda of his own, whereas Kairos meets a bitter and quick end when his plans to kill Madison backfire. Madison finds out that the lines between good and evil and blurred, and that nothing is quite as black and white as she initially imagined. The story ends on a happy note, with Madison, Barnabas, and Nakita starting the new school year together. Barnabas, shaken in his beliefs from Ron’s betrayal, decides to follow Madison in her new role as the dark time-keeper. While not explicitly mentioned, it’s hinted that Barnabas and Nakita have some cupid sparks going there, which will make for an interesting read in future books. Josh/Madison too, though that’s pretty much a given by now.

I absolutely loved this book. Harrison’s take on the idea of life, death, and paranormal beings involved in maintaining the delicate balance between the two will have you on the edge of your seat. Highly recommended!

See also: Prom Nights from Hell

Plot/originality: 4.5/5

Characters: 4/5

Writing style: 4/5

Total score: 12.5/15

Review: Vampire Academy

Vampire Academy is the first book in Richelle’s Mead’s very promising Vampire Academy Series. While this is Richelle Mead’s debut Young Adult novel, it is definitely a blend of supernatural fantasy and high school intrigue. In the novel, there 3 kinds of supernatural beings, Moroi, mortal vampires with magical powers, Strigoi, evil immortal vampires, who feed and Moroi, turning them into Strigoi, and Dhampirs who are half-vampire and half-human and are tasked with the protection of the Moroi from the Strigoi.

In Vampire Academy, protagonist Rose Hathaway and her best friend Lissa Dragomir are caught and forced to return to St. Vladimir’s Academy from which they had run away from two years past, a school and training facility for both Moroi and Dhampirs. Lissa is a Moroi royal princess and is thus Very Very Important in both Moroi rank as well as the complex social circles generally found in high schools all over the world. Rose is a Dhampir and has dedicated her life to protecting Lissa, undergoing Dhampir training in St. Vladimir. Rose has to deal with protecting Lissa, even as Lissa begins to display a rare form of elemental power, and both girls have to deal with romance, intrigue, jealousy and forbidden temptation as Rose begins to fall for her handsome instructor Dimitri. Not to mention what had made them run away in the first place. Lissa is a prime target for the Strigoi, who want to turn her into one of them, while possible enemies hide behind friendly faces. The book culminates in the revelation of a baddie within the Moroi royals, while Lissa and her friends survive a near-death situation and Rose almost! scores with Dimitri.

While this book is definitely aimed at tweens, it is well written, with detailed action scenes and characters that are well fleshed out. Rose is likable as a smart-mouthed, rebellious student, and the witty conversation between their circle of friends is rather refreshing as is Rose’s absolute loyalty to Lissa, which can seem rather dog-like at times. The whole ‘bond’ and emotion-sharing between Lissa and Rose is a device that a tad overused in this genre, but it does seem rather relevant to the main plot in the whole series.  Revelation of Lissa’s specialisation in the ‘fifth’ element does make her seem rather Mary Sue-ish, and her character really irritates me, with the whole helpless, whiny, fragile and prone to crying sort of female character. And her Emo-ness! Although it does make the contrast between her and Rose, who only has her strength and training, stand out more, so it’s forgivable, while Dimitri is the usual guy with a hinted-at tragic past. The teacher-student relationship between him and Rose here is just juicy!

The Vampire Academy series looks to be promising and way more enjoyable than the House of Night series by PC and Kristin Cast. Good for fans who enjoy the supernatural high school genre.

See also: Frostbite, Shadow Kiss, Blood Promise, Spirit Bound

Plot/originality: 3.5/5

Characters: 3/5

Writing style: 3.5/5

Total score: 10/15

Review: Prom Nights from Hell (anthology)

The Exterminator’s Daughter by Meg Cabot (14/15)

Prom Nights From Hell opens with one of Meg Cabot’s short works. If you’re unfamiliar with Meg Cabot, all you need to know is that she’s the creator of the Princess Diaries series, which was mostly targeted at a tween audience. The Exterminator’s Daughter is a light-hearted, enjoyable piece of urban fantasy fiction – Cabot transitions smoothly from humorous teenage girl angst to a sharper, wittier heroine effortlessly, whilst managing to keep the storyline engaging.

In The Exterminator’s Daughter, teenage protagonist Mary is intent on assassinating her best friend’s latest vampire beau with a crossbow (in a crowded Manhattan nightclub, no less!). What she doesn’t expect is help coming from Adam Blum, fellow schoolmate and resident jock/popular guy, who’s intrigued with the idea of things that go bump in the night. The story switches perspectives from Mary to Adam and back again, which was refreshing on Cabot’s part (characters from her previous works tend to ramble). While short, the piece is highly entertaining and shows real promise for a series adaptation – let’s keep our fingers crossed!

The Corsage by Lauren Myracle (12/15)

If you enjoyed reading The Monkey’s Paw by W. W. Jacobs, you’ll enjoy this horror adaptation by Lauren Myracle (author of the controversial ttyl series). Frankie’s a gal who’s determined to have her longtime crush Will ask her to the prom, but he seems to be biding his time. Frustrated, she decides to employ the powers of a creepy corsage attained from an ever-so-cryptic fortune teller. I think we all know by this point that cryptic fortune tellers never bode well in any sort of story – death and disembowelment with a cackling “I told you so!” echoing in the background usually follows a few scenes later – but this one takes the cake. Madame Z keeps her uterus in a jar on the shelf.

Ahem. Shelf uterus aside, Frankie decides to put her three wishes to good use by – what else? – wishing for Will to take her to the prom. What she doesn’t know is that every wish comes with a terrible price. Will dies a grisly death by falling from the watertower (“I told you so!”) in the midst of spray painting a message asking Frankie to go to the prom with him. Overcome with grief, Frankie makes her second wish: for Will to come back to life. You’ve probably read enough urban fantasy to know that the resurrection of a rotting corpse 13 days gone is never a good idea.

The ending was hella disturbing, though I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. Not for the faint of heart.

Madison Avery and the Dim Reaper by Kim Harrison (14/15)

Madison Avery and the Dim Reaper kicks off the story to the Madison Avery series. The story opens with Madison at the prom, playing uncooperative date to her geek friend, Josh. When she ends up getting snubbed by Josh, Madison ends up in the arms of sexy pirate Seth (it’s a themed dance, mind. Just in case you lot go off on some swashbuckling, Jack Sparrow tangent after reading that bit), who’s got an agenda of his own – killing her.

Madison wakes up soon after in the morgue, only to meet with Lucy and Barnabas, members of the Reconnaissance Error Acquisitions Personnel Evaulation and Recovery: REAPER. As it turns out, Madison was killed before a time, and her abrupt death isn’t something she’s all too happy about. She ends up running into evil pirate Seth once more, and things go downhill from there. Through an unexpected turn of events, Madison manages strike a deal and remain in the human world, but she’s officially dead – no more food and sleep for her. Her story continues in Once Dead, Twice Shy.

Kiss and Tell by Michele Jaffe (9/15)

Miranda Kiss (what’s with all the “M” protagonists in this anthology?) has unique superpowers – of which includes superhearing, which means that she can eavesdrop on conversations without even trying, detect changes in heartbeats, and overhear her longtime crush… well, crushing her hopes. Ouch.

Miranda’s job as a Luxury Transport chauffeur lands her in a pickle when she picks up troublesome 14 year old Sibby Cumean, who’s somehow determined to kiss any (and I do mean any) guy she can possibly get her hands on. Things do pick up after a bit: Sibby turns out to be some sort of prophet and there’s some prom crashing  and kidnapping excitement in it all, but it just wasn’t enough to keep me consistently interested. While Miranda was a likeable heroine, her interactions with Sibby were throughly painful to read (mostly because Sibby just annoyed the hell out of me) and the teenspeak acronyms casually thrown in every few pages gave me a headache. Who on earth talks like that, honestly?

Hell on Earth by Stephenie Meyer (13/15)

Finally, a story that unfolds in its entirety at the prom. Hell on Earth features half-angel Gabe Christensen, a guy at prom whose date seems to have abandoned him in pursuit of greener pastures. He finds himself inexplicably drawn to demoness Sheba (in her human disguise), who’s intent in wreaking havoc and bringing misery to everyone at the prom. Cue fisticuffs, arguing, cheating (in a non-academic sense), wardrobe malfunctions, and bad music – all the makings of prom hell.

Hell on Earth was an entertaining read – it’s nice to see Meyer branching out into other aspects of urban fantasy. The stark contrast between the goodness of Gabe’s angelic soul and Sheba’s vindictive, damned one certainly drew me in. The road to love between a demoness and an angel is rocky one, indeed.

See also: Once Dead, Twice Shy

Review: Enchantress / Spellbinder (Night World)

Enchantress, or Spellbinder in some editions, is the third book in the Night World series by L. J. Smith. This book is basically one big catfight between two witch cousins, brought up to be as close as sisters, which obviously doesn’t count for much when you’re fighting over a guy. Typical good girl vs bad girl. Thea is the goody-two shoes who rescues animals while Blaise is the evil witch who treats guys like toys and is the one responsible for their 5 explusions from high school so far. The book begins with their first day at a new school where Thea rescues a rattlesnake from being stoned and saves a cute boy, Eric Ross, from a poisionous snake bite. Eric is the epitome of do-gooderness, captain of various sports teams, aspiring veterinarian and animal-lover. He also happens to be Thea’s soulmate. When Thea ends up falling for Eric, she (stupidly) tells Blaise, who then like any other self-respecting Night Worlder, feels that she has to protect her beloved cousin from the lower life form (Eric) by getting rid of him. Desperate, Thea ends up accidentally summoning a pissed-off spirit from the underworld who kills her victims in a typical asian-horror flick way, strangling with long hair. Cue mass mayhem and eventually everyone gets caught. Thea has to answer for her actions to the Inner Circle of the witches who happen to be in the area, choosing to have her memory erased so she can live with Eric as a human and Blaise saves the day with iced tea!

While the plot may be a tad idiotic, Enchantress is overall a fun read, with the universal catfight by girls over a guy, witch-style! Surprisingly, or not, Thea ends up causing the most trouble with her evil spirit summoning, which came about in a totally crack! way, while Blaise is totally lovable with her bad-ass persona and human-despising ways. Eric is totally 2D, but he’s not the main character anyway, so it’s all good.

See also: Secret Vampire, Daughters of Darkness, Dark Angel, Soulmate, The Chosen, Huntress, Black Dawn, Witchlight

Plot/originality: 2.5/5

Characters: 3.5/5

Writing style: 4/5

Total score: 10/15

Review: Vampire Kisses

If you’re here to decide if you should buy Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schreiber, let me be a pal and dispense the best advice you will ever receive. DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK. Do not even contemplate reading it. If a friend recommends it  and offers to loan it to you, break off that friendship immediately, because that ain’t your friend talking. That’s an empty shell of a person – a living, breathing shell that has knows no judgement and is more likely to have the phrase “quantity over quality” tattooed in her ass crack. CHECK THE ASS CRACKS of all your friends who offer to lend you books (especially rubbish books like this one).

I picked up a copy of Vampire Kisses back when I was fresh into the whole paranormal romance craze, and I think it’s safe to say that it’s been the biggest regret of my life. The story revolves around teenage goth girl rAvEn (okay, without the crazy caps – but it’s pretty obvious that it wouldn’t be out of place even if it was) and her vampire boyfriend Alexander. I don’t have anything against goth fiction, but I do harbor a burning hatred for this one.

I’ll be blunt. Characterization was non-existent. Raven is a self-centered, whiny bitch. Alexander made me want to get my tubes tied.

Plot-wise… what can I say? You know that feeling, that painful buzz when that radiates from your elbow when you accidentally slam it against something? Yeah? Well, multiply that thousand-fold and you have this book. The entire story is so utterly linear and non-engaging that it’ll make you feel like you’re reading straight out of some crazy teenage chick’s fantasy diary.

Let me elaborate. Raven’s a hardcore goth girl that’s determined to expose hot goth boyfriend Alexander, a.k.a the new kid in town, as a vampire – it’s the stuff of dreams, and her favourite author’s Anne Rice (omg!!!one lyk who culd’ve guessed). She attempts to expose his true identity by doing weird creepy stalker stuff, like trying to make him breathe in garlic. Her ideal date is a picnic in a cemetery in the middle of the night, with black wax candles to illuminate the darkness of her soul. Yep. It’s bad. And Alexander ends up leaving her in the end. That’s right, Alexander! Run as far as you can from this broad!

Sadly, there are follow-up books in this series, in which rAvEn qUeEn of teh gOth sCenE manages to sniff poor Alexander out. But that’s a horror story for another time.

You might’ve noticed that I have added a new tag in honour of this book: “crap”.

DO. NOT. READ.

See also: Kissing Coffins, Vampireville, Dancing with a Vampire

Plot/originality: 0/5

Characters: 0/5

Writing style: 0/5

Total score: 0/15