If you’re here to decide if you should buy Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schreiber, let me be a pal and dispense the best advice you will ever receive. DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK. Do not even contemplate reading it. If a friend recommends it and offers to loan it to you, break off that friendship immediately, because that ain’t your friend talking. That’s an empty shell of a person – a living, breathing shell that has knows no judgement and is more likely to have the phrase “quantity over quality” tattooed in her ass crack. CHECK THE ASS CRACKS of all your friends who offer to lend you books (especially rubbish books like this one).
I picked up a copy of Vampire Kisses back when I was fresh into the whole paranormal romance craze, and I think it’s safe to say that it’s been the biggest regret of my life. The story revolves around teenage goth girl rAvEn (okay, without the crazy caps – but it’s pretty obvious that it wouldn’t be out of place even if it was) and her vampire boyfriend Alexander. I don’t have anything against goth fiction, but I do harbor a burning hatred for this one.
I’ll be blunt. Characterization was non-existent. Raven is a self-centered, whiny bitch. Alexander made me want to get my tubes tied.
Plot-wise… what can I say? You know that feeling, that painful buzz when that radiates from your elbow when you accidentally slam it against something? Yeah? Well, multiply that thousand-fold and you have this book. The entire story is so utterly linear and non-engaging that it’ll make you feel like you’re reading straight out of some crazy teenage chick’s fantasy diary.
Let me elaborate. Raven’s a hardcore goth girl that’s determined to expose hot goth boyfriend Alexander, a.k.a the new kid in town, as a vampire – it’s the stuff of dreams, and her favourite author’s Anne Rice (omg!!!one lyk who culd’ve guessed). She attempts to expose his true identity by doing weird creepy stalker stuff, like trying to make him breathe in garlic. Her ideal date is a picnic in a cemetery in the middle of the night, with black wax candles to illuminate the darkness of her soul. Yep. It’s bad. And Alexander ends up leaving her in the end. That’s right, Alexander! Run as far as you can from this broad!
Sadly, there are follow-up books in this series, in which rAvEn qUeEn of teh gOth sCenE manages to sniff poor Alexander out. But that’s a horror story for another time.
You might’ve noticed that I have added a new tag in honour of this book: “crap”.
DO. NOT. READ.
See also: Kissing Coffins, Vampireville, Dancing with a Vampire
Plot/originality: 0/5
Characters: 0/5
Writing style: 0/5
Total score: 0/15
malicecat
silentfairies
